The truth
by Ninjabelle
Summary: It hurts. Matt wants Mello, Mello wants eveything and nothing, and Near just observes. How much will it take until everybody, especially Matt, just snaps?  Mostly one-sided MxM, and some MxN to make it all the more deliciously wrong. Warnings inside.


**A/N**

Hello Death Note fandom. I'm Ninjabelle. This won't be the last you'll hear from me. Just wanted to bring that out there.

Soooo... about this story, it says Matt & Mello right? That doesn't make them a happy pairing in this case. This story will be about Matt, Mello and Near, Mello x Near, and Matt's mostly one sided crush on our dear poisonous Mello. And don't think the Mello x Near bit will be any kind of romantic either... but it's tough to put that all in the summary.

This chapter's a nice prologue I think, as for **warnings**, knowing myself this might change to M with every new chapter added, but no guarantees. Swearing and violence will happen, fluff will not. Also, since DN has many spoilers I'd say you'd better have read/watched most of it (read: ALL OF IT) since I don't want anybody to come whine to me later on.

Oh. And good luck finding out in whose mind I'm getting throughout the story. I'll skip from Matt to Mello to Near and back, sometimes I lose track myself. Hah. Call that artistic or what?

Hope you enjoy and I'll see you at the bottom!

OH SHIT. **Disclaimer**. If Death Note were mine, the group of survivors left after the finale would've been considerably bigger. Also, Mello'd be a stripper.

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><p>Mello knew Matt wanted him. Near was very well aware of Mello's desires, as was Matt. The only painful thing was how Mello couldn't lie. Not to him, at least.<p>

They stood there, on that hill. Watching whatever was left of Mello former hideout, home. The band aids had finally come off, giving way for marred skin and beautiful scars. To Matt, no one could ever compare to Mello, since there was only one Mello, and that Mello dared not want him, even now... Matt stayed. Of course he stayed. Through all the sleepless nights, all the screaming and crying and cursing. But he had to know. After all these years.

"...you don't."

Mello holds his gaze. _So_ painful. "I don't feel _anything_, Matt. Not like that... with you. And in that lies the only thing I do have, someone who doesn't drive me damn mad." Blue eyes. _So_ blue.

"You love him, then?"

"...no." Eyes downcast, suddenly. When did he brake the gaze... "I hate him, remember?" A quiet laugh that holds no joy.

"I'm empty Matt... let it go, there's nothing for you to take, here." And he mentions for his body with those hands. The hands he'd wanted to feel, nails sinking deep into his back. Feel real for once, something that mattered.

Mello doesn't love him. Near's always been very well aware of his desires, and Matt... Matt's always fucked, in the end. And Mello's truth doesn't help at all.

"Let's go." He whispers, golden hair hiding his eyes this time, and Matt obeys, even though no command was issued.

The drive is quiet, and for once there's no tension in the air around. Mello's a scary kind of calm. The calm Matt imagines a person feels the moment they lean forth to plunge themselves off a building. Morbid tranquility, a crazy calm before the storm. And what a storm it could've been...

He can't manage to say anything, not even a lame comment, useless, just to lift the mood. There's nothing to lift, in the end. They're on even ground.

Mello's phone vibrates and the tension is back, Matt already knows who's calling, and Mello bites his lip though it's not because he feels guilty or anything, it's simply a reflex. Uneasiness, because he knows who's on the other end of that line.

"What do you want?" he sneers into the phone, and Matt wants to punch him for pretending to be so agitated even though he knows Mello's just _terrified_.

"...well what _more_ information could you _possibly_ want? Aren't you brilliant enough to figure it out by yourself? Go to hell." And the phone is snapped shut with one hand while the other fumbles for a chocolate bar in the glove department. Brilliant indeed.

Matt squeezes the wheel and forces the nausea away. Nothing new, nothing to be upset about.

Mello's an excellent liar in the end, master of disguise, a true chameleon. But when he looks at Matt, green expecting eyes, he _can't_.

Eyes that calm him down and _aren't_ capable of chilling him to the bone or sending shiver over shiver down his spine. And he's grateful for that. He needs just that, in a way, but it wouldn't be enough.

It doesn't hurt enough, and even though he's technically destroying his best friend right now, Mello can't. And Matt's no where near ready to see... to really see.

You give me just what I need, Matt. But what I need is not what you want. And what you have to offer is not what I desire.

Complicated.

Near saw through it many years ago, how could he not. That lonely figure playing in the corner over there? He sees everything. He saw it then, too.

Mello glances his way, Matt glances over to Mello, follows his eyes, meets Near's eyes and shifts them right back on the floor. Fingers crushing delicate console buttons.

Mello was aware, too. A crime, to play with someone's heart. Though Near was guilty of the very same crime, though his was executed deliberately, as where Mello hadn't been aware until Matt made it too obvious, for once.

_"Don't you want this?" A flustered whisper, Near heard, standing right outside the door. Through the small crack Mello's wide, wide eyes were very visible, and Matt's back too. "No... Matt." Mello sounds positively panicked. "Why'd you have to do that? Oh god... why? You're my friend! Matt!" Mello shakes his shoulders, and Matt's hands form fists by his side. "I... just thought..." Mello closes his eyes and sinks to the floor. "...you thought _wrong_." And Matt dashes passed him. Humiliated. It'd been just a kiss... yet enough for Mello to have a complete breakdown. This is why Near watched in the first place. Something about those hysterics... over a simple kiss. Just a kiss._

_"Why'd you have to ruin everything... stupid...stupid..." Mello gasps between sobs, rocking back and forth on the floor._

_Very unbalanced. Very intriguing. _

_Near places himself on the floor, finger absent-mindedly twirling, round and round._

Wammy's a bad place. The mind gets fed more than it can handle, and the emotions are ignored, left to roam free... not in check. Nobody cares if you cry yourself to sleep as long as you score high. Nobody will help you understand what those knots in your stomach truly mean... or that flutter in your chest. You are to find out yourself, try as you might. And not break along the way.

Two weeks later, L died. Matt felt it sting, but not as much as Mello's avoiding gaze. And then he left, and he didn't see the blonde, the object of his _everything_, didn't see him again for many years... until one phone call.

And even then, he was being used, and didn't mind.

"I wonder what's wrong with me?" he murmurs as he locks himself up in the bathroom while Mello disappears into his own room, very much occupied, calling back a certain number. And the walls are too thin, and even submerged under the warm water in the tub Matt faintly hears his voice. _"...if you want to meet just say so. You obviously desire something from me..." _Matt's fist finds the tiled wall, and Mello hears the muffled bang.

Painful doesn't even begin to cut it.

Soon after the door to the apartment closes, quietly and Matt sighs. Deep, deep sigh. At least when he's alone it doesn't hurt so much. But it's too quiet, and his mind is all he has there, thoughts swirling dangerously, emotions riling up. And he hates it when that happens. So with sudden strong resolve Matt lifts himself from the warm and _uncomforting_ bath, ties a towel to his hips with a tight knot, and slumps down on the couch, controller in hand. That should chase those ridiculous thoughts away.

Mello comes back, comes _home_ late at night and Matt doesn't need to turn around to know how all the stress has left his body by now. How he's calm again, if only for the remainder of the night. Face still glued to the screen -and it's been hours now, he's still damp and cold but he doesn't really mind- and he can feel Mello's gaze on his back. His bare back. On the body that Mello doesn't want and he's almost _relieved _when Mello quickly and with his head down and turned away, strides over to his room. The lock clicks in place, and Matt realizes his brave soldier died on the battlefield while he was too busy listening to the way Mello breathes.

The console gets turned off, as are the lights, and once Matt's in his room the towel slips to the floor and he sits on his bed thinking things have never been this fucked up before.

"You lock your door. Are you afraid I might come in and _do_ something to you?"

He whispers, frustrated. His pillow muffles the words but he half hopes Mello hears. But why?

"So you can go feel guilty and like _shit_ and think of what you're _doing _for once..."

Matt falls asleep like this.

Mello doesn't fall asleep at all.

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><p><strong>AN**

I wanted to include my fangirly joy over how happy I am to finally submit a DN story, but then again, it seems a little out of place after all this heavy stuff huh?

I'd really love some REVIEWS though. Tell me where I went right, wrong. Everything goes. I just want to know if I did these three justice in my own fucked up manner!

Love, Ninja and see you when you review!

(-and also hopefully next chapter..!)


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